


Mit dir bin ich auch allein

by Wahnsinn



Series: Rammstein one-shots [3]
Category: Rammstein
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Thoughts of Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, Loneliness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24236323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wahnsinn/pseuds/Wahnsinn
Summary: When Schneider is visiting his parents, Richard has a slip-up.
Relationships: Richard Kruspe/Christoph Schneider | Doom
Series: Rammstein one-shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730041
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	Mit dir bin ich auch allein

If looks could kill, Richard would be dead. The stare Schneider sent him was a crystal-clear message. A knot started forming in Richard’s stomach as he tried to laugh along with his other band mates around the table, but his smile had stiffened, and if someone had looked closely, they would have seen a glimpse of fear in his blue eyes.

Excusing himself, Richard got up and locked himself in the bathroom, where his own image judged him from the huge mirror. _Don’t look at me that way. I know. I fucked up. I’m so stupid_ , he mumbled to himself as he sat down on the toilet seat, staring emptily at the white tiles. 

The night had started so well. Schneider had just come back from a longer visit at his parents, and they had both been looking forward to the planned band get-together at Till’s place. Talk had flowed easily as they caught up while enjoying good food and drink. Schneider had been the designated driver, but Richard had downed several glasses of wine before Till slapped the Russian vodka on the table after dinner. Even though Schneider had gently suggested that he should not drink so much, Richard had patted him on the shoulder and said that he should not worry.

That was when he had slipped. Or to be fair, he had slipped already when Schneider was out of town. He just hadn’t planned on telling. But when the discussion had moved onto crazy fans, he wanted to trump Till’s story about getting letters from a girl who wished to poop on his chest, and happily boasted that a fan at a bar the other night had offered him high-quality coke in exchange for being allowed to give him a handjob – a pure win-win!

Richard instantly realised his mistake. Laughing it away, he said he obviously turned it down. Though Schneider had looked at him, and he knew that his boyfriend could see right through him, and that he knew. After all, it was two of his biggest weaknesses – sex and drugs – and he had been sad and lonely with Schneider out of town.

Sighing deeply, Richard stood up. Even though he didn’t actually use the toilet, he flushed to pretend he did. Splashing some cold water in his face, he braced himself as he opened the door to get back out and re-join his friends at the table. Though when he opened the door, he almost screamed when he found Schneider standing right outside waiting for him.

“Shit, you startled me,” he stammered, a surge of adrenaline rushing through his body.

Schneider’s eyes were ice cold as he reached out, grabbed Richard’s arm, and pulled him close.

“I am not going to let you destroy our band get-together by leaving now, but for the rest of the night, you will not touch more alcohol. You will drink coffee and water to sober up, because when we get home, we are having a talk. Do you understand?” he hissed.

Richard nodded, his face burning from shame and embarrassment.

Releasing the grip, Schneider pushed Richard aside and went into the bathroom. “Fuck,” Richard muttered. Straightening his shirt, he took a deep breath, and went back into the living room.

“Looking a bit pale there, Reesh,” Paul remarked with a big grin, pouring himself another glass of vodka.

“Maybe Schneider was right, you shouldn’t have had so much to drink,” Flake said dryly, pushing the water decanter in Richard’s direction.

The rest of the night was painful. While Richard managed to maintain the conversation, he dreaded having to come clean to Schneider later that night, and frequent stares made sure he didn’t forget. Richard was almost relieved when they finally decided to call it a night and he didn’t have to keep up appearances for much longer. Flake was staying over at Till’s so he wouldn’t get woken up by the children too early. Paul wanted to walk the short distance to his own apartment.

“You sure it’s okay to drop me off?” Oliver asked, looking from Schneider’s serious face, to Richard’s worried face, and back to Schneider.

“Of course. Get in,” Schneider replied, slightly brusque, and the bassist slipped into the back seat where he sat in uncomfortable silence for the entire ride.

As soon as the car stopped outside his house, Oliver sighed from relief, thanked them for the ride, and opened the door to get out quickly. “Guys – I hope you can sort things out. Good luck. Love you both,” he said as he closed the car door and walked towards his door in long strides, eager to get away from the awkwardness.

_Oh fuck_ , Richard thought. He had hoped the others wouldn’t notice. Then again, he wore his heart on his sleeve, and it had always been easy for his band mates to read his mood. Glancing nervously over at Schneider, he saw fists gripping the steering wheel so hard that the knuckles turned white. Biting his lip, he turned away, watching the dark shadows float by outside the car window. It was a perfect image of how he felt inside.

Not a word was uttered between the two of them until they were back in their living room a few minutes later. Richard crept into the corner of the sofa and pulled a blanket around him, while Schneider stomped into the kitchen. Soon after, Richard could hear the sound of the coffee machine. He swallowed. Coffee meant it could be a long night.

A mug of coffee was placed on the table in front of him. Richard pulled the blanket a little higher up, almost trying to hide behind it as Schneider sat down next to him, uncomfortably close given the situation. The drummer seemed to have calmed down a bit, but the way he was clutching the coffee mug showed that it was mostly on the outside.

“Talk.”

Richard shuddered from the coldness in his boyfriend’s voice. Opening and closing his mouth a few times, he tried to find a good way to start, but he couldn’t. “Just – ask about whatever you want to know. I will answer,” he said quietly.

Schneider took a sip of his coffee, making a grimace as he burned his lips.

“When?”

“Sunday. I needed to get out of the apartment, I…”

“Who?”

“Just some random fan I’d never seen before. I…”

Schneider interrupted him again. “Man or woman?”

Richard frowned. His first instinct was to lie, but he knew that wouldn’t help the situation.

“A woman,” he admitted.

The look on his boyfriend’s face was heartbreaking. Richard knew that it was a sore point that he found women attractive. Back when their relationship had been new, Schneider had confessed that it made him scared. _I can never be a woman_ , he had said, looking him deep in the eye. _I am so afraid that I won’t be able to give you what you want._ Richard had just smiled, and told him that he was everything he ever wanted. He had meant it. He still did. He loved Schneider so much that it hurt.

That was the reason why he had gone to that bar. He had had a bad day, and being alone at home brought out old anxieties. Since he knew Schneider was at a dinner that night, he didn’t want to be needy and call him. He should have. Then again, he could think of so many things he should have done instead of going to that bar.

“It meant nothing to me, I promise. I was sad and stupid. It boosted my self-confidence and made me feel good for a short while. I am so sorry.” Richard’s voice almost broke. He heard how pathetic it sounded, but at least it was the truth.

Schneider had put his mug on the table and was holding his head in his hands. “And the coke?” he muttered.

Richard looked down at his fingers. His nail polish was starting to crack.

“Two lines. Small ones. It – it made me miss you less.”

Schneider lifted his head and stared at Richard with an expression full of contempt. “Don’t you dare using me as an excuse for this!” he screamed, banging his fist onto the table so the two coffee mugs shifted, Richard’s spilling some of its content onto the surface.

A tear rolled down Richard’s cheek as he stared blankly on the stain on the table to avoid looking Schneider in the eye. “I’m not. I am – only trying to explain. There is no excuse. I was an idiot, and I am so sorry.” 

Schneider buried his head in his hands again.

“Were you going to tell me?”

Richard could hear the trembling in Schneider’s voice. He hesitated – a little too long.

“You weren’t going to tell me.”

Schneider’s head sunk even deeper into his hands, his shoulders started shaking, and Richard could hear muffled sobs, each of them piercing him deeper than any blade could have done. Tears were streaming down his own cheeks, and he instinctively stretched out his arm to put his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder, only to have it brushed away.

“Schneider… I am so sorry – I really fucked up, I’m an idiot, I know, but I love you, I love you so much, I don’t want to be with anyone else… Please believe me. I will do anything – anything, just tell me what I can do to make this right, I beg you to forgive me, you don’t even have to forgive me, just please believe me when I say I love you, I need you so much, I beg you, I can’t live without you…”

Without a word, Schneider stood up. He turned to briefly look at Richard, his eyes blood-shot and filled with pain, before he shook his head and left the table. Soon after, Richard could hear the rustling of keys being picked up, the door opening and slamming shut, and an engine starting outside.

As soon as the sound of the car disappeared, he screamed.

The silence after was deafening. Richard rocked back and forth, clutching the blanket, his face tear-streaked and pale. In his head, the same line played again and again; _Schneider is gone, Schneider is gone, Schneider is gone._

Desperate to escape his own head, he got up, half ran to the bedroom, rummaging through his nightstand drawer to find his sleeping pills. It had been a long time since he used them. His nightmares had almost disappeared after…

…after Schneider.

Gripping the bottle of pills, he headed straight for the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whisky. Uncapping it, he took a big swig, the alcohol burning his throat, leaving a soothing heat in its wake. After another big gulp, he opened the pill bottle and poured the contents into his hand.

_Schneider is gone. My love. Schneider..._

The doorbell almost drowned the sound of his fast breath and the throbbing pulse in his ears. Not long after, light was switched on in the hall, and footsteps approached the door.

“Richard.” Oliver’s eyes were warm and friendly, and Richard couldn’t help but start crying.

“I really fucked up, Olli. Schneider left, and I was all alone, and I almost did something stupid again. I didn’t know where else to go,” he sobbed as his friend let him in and pulled him into an embrace.

Apathetic, Richard let himself be led into the bathroom where he was given soft towels and a spare robe. After a warm shower, he felt calmer, but empty.

Oliver was sitting in the sofa. “I made you some chamomile tea,” he said, pushing a cup and an ashtray towards Richard. “You can’t use my spare bedroom right now, but I changed on my bed so you can sleep there tonight. I’ll take the couch.”

Richard started opening his mouth to say something, but Oliver stopped him.

“It is a very comfortable couch,” he said reassuringly, and Richard was too exhausted to argue.

Oliver’s bed was enormous. Custom made to fit the bassist’s long body, Richard felt incredibly small as he slipped under the covers. Curling up into a ball, a new wave of loneliness washed over him, and he wept quietly into the pillow.

The bedroom door opened and closed with soft clicks. “Olli?” Richard asked, his voice choked.

“I heard you come in. The doorbell woke me up.”

The beautiful, familiar voice made Richard wail loudly.

“Shh. I’m here.”

A slender body slipped under the covers. Richard felt strong arms embrace him, and he leaned into the hug as if it was the last one he would ever receive.

“I am so sorry… Do you think you can forgive me?” Richard sniffled against Schneider’s chest.

Tears were streaming down Schneider’s cheeks as he pulled Richard a little closer.

“I don’t know, Reesh,” he cried. “I don’t know.”

  


**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated. Thank you for reading.


End file.
